"You seem like a nice woman, someone I'd like to meet. Just confirm that you know that I am married but OK to play."
So, this was the response I received to an email I sent someone on a dating site. No where on the person's profile did it mention that they were "poly" or married. When I asked about it, this was the explanation:
"You are right, it wasn't listed on my profile so I went back and added it in. I think you will know if someone might be married based on their status at the top of the page...it is says single then they are not married, but if it says 'available' then I guess they might be married like me."
Ah, the old "available" trick - I hadn't seen it.
It turns out, we had some things in common and met for a drink and will likely be activity buds. I don't play well in the sandbox with others, so the poly thing clearly isn't for me, but I'm a naturally curious person and I had some questions. My new friend was happy to explain how the poly thing works for them. Both he and his wife are able to find other "friends" to spend time with. Their approach is for each to find one other person with whom they form a long-term connection. They talk openly about their contacts with that other person. He says it doesn't cause jealousy and it enhances their sex life.
Now, I find this hard to believe. I'll admit it - being in a poly relationship would turn me into an anxious, jealous quivering blob of jello. I don't get jealous if the person I'm with talks to someone else, and I'm fine with taking a date to a party and mingling freely about without each other. I have a lot of interests and friends and I would hope the person I'm with has their own interests and friends as well. I don't expect we will spend every minute of every day with each other. On the other hand, if I knew they were flirting with and sleeping with someone else, I would be totally freaked. Call me immature, it's just how I'm wired.
This new activity bud was up front about his life and what he was looking for and I appreciate that. It allowed me to tell him what I was looking for and it opened up the chance for a friendship.
I had a different experience a few months back. I was contacted by someone on a social networking site. The person seemed incredibly creative, talented and interesting. We shared some common interests and exchanged emails for a while. Eventually, we began to chat. Quickly after we began chatting my leetle friend kazoo was sitting on my shoulder and telling me things didn't seem quite right. I asked some questions about where this person lived and whether they lived alone, etc. and it seemed that was always when they had to get off. Quickly, I pushed them on this info. and the truth came out.
He called himself "poly" but his wife and young child didn't know about his outside interests. Or, rather, his wife knew that he wanted to be "poly" and didn't agree with it, so they didn't discuss it anymore. He decided to pursue outside connections anyway. I asked how this was different from cheating and he didn't have a good answer. To me, it was a way of rationalizing infidelity, not "poly" at all.
It's a strange world we live in. I've met others who have said that leading a poly or swinging lifestyle (to be discussed tomorrow) led to the breakdown of their relationships or marriages. Others swear that being poly or swinging has allowed them to stay married for much longer than they ever would have. I have another friend who has stayed married "for the kids" and is only intimate with his wife a few times a month. He suspects she may have other outside interests, but hasn't asked.
If nothing else, it has been reinforced that my beliefs and ideas about how the world "should" operate work for me and maybe some others - but they don't work for everyone. There are so many other "lifestyles" out there that seem to work for people.
So, why is it that Fred Phelps is so worked up about gay and lesbian marriages. Why are they such a threat to society so much more than polyamory, or swinging, or marriages of convenience?
Here's a humorous video about the world of poly relationships (not for the prudish!) Enjoy!
1 comment:
currently i am single and not looking.. but i know that i have been on both sides of that poly fence... when i was married i would have been thrilled for someone to find my husband and have sex with him,, as i knew i sure as hell wasn't going to do it!!!!
but then later on,, in the one relationship i really wanted to work out,, he cheated on me all the time,, and i let him... it was that important to me that eventually he would grow tired of it and call me in the middle of the night to come get him... its all about the kind of love you have for someone i guess...
i am glad you found me,, as i have no interest in being in a relationship right now,, and i am sure on those days when i feel like i might want to venture out,,, i can pop in over here and find out why i am not going to go thru with it !!!LOL!!!
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