E-discord - an exercise in dating futility

My entre' into the world of online dating happened by chance. I received an email from the eharmony site offering a free personality profile. Being the curious person that I am, and the huge procrastinator that I am, I willingly clicked on the profile and clicked away happily at the multiple choice questions. I'm sure there are millions of you out there who have done the same thing. Once I got the personality profile I was pleasantly surprised by its accuracy.

Next, I was presented with a page of attributes and was told to click on things that I couldn't live with and things I couldn't live without. Again, I clicked away, enjoying this exercise in clarification of my desired partner. I should have known I was in trouble when I clicked on the "FINISH" button and received the following message:

"We see you have checked more than 30 selections. Please limit your selections to just 10 Must Haves and 10 Don't Wants."

My first reaction was to laugh out loud. Not just "lol" but really, laugh out loud so hard that the dog turned her head to see what was going on. It struck me - Oooooooh - that's what the problem is! I just want too much! Obviously, expecting that someone not lie, cheat, steal, and that they brush their teeth, bathe, and be affectionate was sufficient. If I wanted to require that they also not be a racist or that they have a place to live I was simply asking too much! I mean, we're not talking subtleties here folks; I wasn't requiring that they be a member of Greenpeace, or that they support a particular political candidate. I wasn't even requiring that they be romantic, or creative, or intelligent at this stage - it was the rock bottom basics!

So, at this point, I decided that this was not going to be a site that worked for me and I hit the cancel button. Much to my dismay, when I went back to my email, there was a list of my "matches" waiting for me. Naively, I opened this email. Wrong, wrong, wrong! OF COURSE, there were several people who seemed interesting. OF COURSE, I clicked on one of their pictures to find out more. That's where they get you. If I wanted to see any more information, I had to pay. Suffice it to say curiosity killed this cat and I have now been subjected to "match" after "match" who is nothing like the person I'd like to meet.

The first e-discord match that I decided to converse with was polite and we seemed to have some common interests. I wasn't hearing violins, but after emailing for a bit, we decided to meet. It was around the holidays and with schedules that didn't mesh, etc., we set a date for a week or so later. A few days before the scheduled coffee date, I received an email.

Now, here's where you need to know a little more about me. I'm an active person, in the good weather, I run, bicycle, play soccer, hike and camp. In the winter, add in winter hiking and recently snowboarding. I like being outdoors and I specifically stated in my profile that I was looking for someone who would join me for one or more of these activities.

So, back to this email. This is where the date-to-be let me know that "this was the tough part of online dating....." He had to let me know, so that I wouldn't be completely shocked when we met in person, that he was in a wheelchair. Now, I've told this story to my friends and some laugh out loud and get the irony of the situation right away. Others say that I was being narrow minded and I should have given him a chance and that perhaps he could participate in some of the activities I liked with adaptive equipment, etc.

I thought long and hard about this when it happened and this is how I feel about it. If this guy had been honest in his profile and had stated up front that he was in a wheelchair but was very active with adaptive skiing, murderball, what have you I might actually have met him. I just want someone who is interested in being physically active. This guy didn't mention that at all and, in fact, showed pictures that hid the fact that he was in a wheelchair. He conversed with me for a couple of weeks by email before disclosing that he was in a wheelchair.

I felt like I had been lied to, purposefully deceived and that was no way to start a connection of any kind, let alone a romantic relationship. He did relay that it was difficult for him to meet women who would be open to him and who could see beyond his chair. You know what - I get that - I really do. As I said to him, though, by assuming that no one would see beyond his chair, he lost out on meeting someone who might.

So, that's my eharmony story. There are more, like the chiropractor who specified that he was highly allergic to cats. I didn't initiate communication with him and he sent an email nudging me to talk. The way eharmony is set up, though, is that you have to choose from pre-formatted questions for the first two emails you send, and the person your communicating with has to do the same. So, it was a volley of emails before I could write my own thoughts and ask him if there was any "give" on this cat issue - could we establish a "cat free" rule for some rooms in the house, etc. No way, this guy would have to live on an inhaler in order to date me!

I've was bombarded with a ton of men at the upper limits of my age requirements who were clearly very out of shape and shared no similar interests. After a few weeks, the number of potential dates dwindled and at this point, I receive one "match" a month if I'm lucky. Being the frugal person (ok, poor grad student) that I am, I'm hooked into this site for a number of months to come, because that was the cheapest way to go. It's laughable how popular this site is and how many horror stories I've heard about it! A fellow grad student did her thesis on online dating and liked my stories so much she used them to illustrate some of her points about what she had found.

I'm sure there are eharmony success stories out there, but I am clearly NOT one of them!