Zen and the Art of Being Blown Off

Nobody likes being blown off - it sucks!

It can bring up all of that Junior High angst about not being good enough and fear about being toyed with (at its worst, think Carrie at the prom).

Sometimes, though, people's actions speak louder than their words, or their actions underscore their words.

I had plans to get together with someone last night~
The plans weren't specific - just to spend time together~
We spoke in the morning and agreed to spend time together.
He was supposed to call in the late afternoon when he had finished accomplishing some errands~

You know the story, late afternoon came - no call~

When I was younger, this might have really shaken me up. I might have convinced myself that his phone might not be working, or that he somehow accidentally erased my number, and I might have called. "Hey, just wondering what happened - are we still on for tonight?"

I might have hung around on the computer with my IM screen open, giving him the chance to send that message "Sorry about tonight, I was at Dirk's house and we got caught up in building that retaining wall....."

Nah~

I'm proud to say I did neither of those things last night (ok, each one of those options floated through my brain, but only for a brief second).

To be honest, this is a guy who is not ready to be dating yet. He's still aching over the end of his marriage and he's trying to figure out how balance working full-time, taking care of his kids half the week, and figuring out who he is after being married to his high school sweetheart for 20 years.

Yep, we have a lot of fun together. We laugh and we enjoy each other's company. I'd love to see if it could turn into something with a future. Whenever we've talked about it though, he's been clear that he just isn't ready and isn't even at the point of being sure he wants another long term relationship.

Again, when I was younger, I might have fooled myself that with enough positive support on my part he would "come around". I've had to be honest with myself, though. I can take this guy at face value and enjoy the time we spend together for as long as that works for me and doesn't cause me heartache, or I can walk away altogether. Those are my two options.

There is no way of convincing someone else that they are ready to be dating seriously - only they can come to that conclusion - and it may take a long time - a really long time.


So, I set the phone to vibrate, put it in my back pocket and got some yard work done. When the time for the phone call passed, I recognized that he was showing me, with his actions, exactly what he had been saying with his words. He just isn't ready.

I fixed dinner, had a glass of wine, and finished a book for school. I went to bed and slept well. I didn't toss and turn and I didn't harbor a lot of anger over being blown off.

Now, will I answer the phone when he calls, or respond quickly to an IM? I don't know - I haven't figured that out yet. Will I make plans again - not sure about that either. Will I send an email telling him how upset I was at the lack of common courtesy he showed? Nope - he's a grown man - I'm not his mother - he doesn't need a lecture from me. He's probably feeling bad enough about the situation. He's going through a tough time right now - he doesn't know what he wants - and he's demonstrating that by blowing off someone that he might have a chance at having a relationship with. That sucks.

You know what, though? All of that sucks for him - it doesn't have to suck for me. I have a choice about how I let this affect me. I can take it personally and feel rejected - or I can look it for what it is - a clear message that this guy just isn't ready.